The Death of an Ego

I killed my ego. There was no "I", there was only energy. This was the most mystical experience of my life, and yet, I can't even pinpoint exactly when it happened. I believe this point to be where I started the long process of reconstructing how I wanted to perceive things.

Looking back, I believe that I was in a semi-sleepwalking state before this experience. I was on the path to find answers, but still had a skewed reality. This came as a surprise to me when it actually happened, as I did not believe such experiences existed. It caught me totally by surprise, there was no way for me to be prepared for what was inevitably bound to happen. I was one minute, and the next minute, I wasn't. There was still perception, but it wasn't "me" who was doing the perceiving.

My ego was dead. There was much fear before, but as this experience unfolded, fear was not even an option. The weird thing about an ego is that when it feels like it is losing control, it gets very frightened. A wise person once told me that when the fear kicks in, you better start paying attention, because something important is at hand. Such was the case. I was totally engulfed in my egocentric games. I was blind to it at the time, but I was blessed with an experience which allowed me to see clearly what a slave I was to my pride filled ego.

It would seem to be a terrible thing to be a slave to one's ego, but if given the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and rebuild the ego to your own standards, it doesn't seem like such a travesty. Luckily, I was given this chance. It is only now, years later, that I seem to have grasped what this experience meant to me. I am glad that I had taken the time after the experience to rebuild what was demolished. I am grateful that now my master of my cognitive thought is much more productive and positive. The ego seems to be more on my side than ever.

This process has taken 2 or so years so far, and I am just starting to realize what has taken place. It has taken much studying, both introspective and informational. I don't want to go back into the ignorant prison to which I was previously contained in. I like being responsible (or at least feeling that way ;) ). I like taking the hit for my own mistakes. I try to take the good with the bad, both with just as much enthusiasm.

The question remains, would I be the same person today if it had not been for that experience? Did it really affect me as much as I thought it has? Unfortunately, these are questions to which there will never be an answer. But does it really matter? Am I not happy at the way I turned out? I am ecstatic at how my life has unfolded since that moment, so I see no point in futily trying to find the answer.

Who knows what might have been.
This was the path that I chose.
Finding this, only one way possible:
When the doors of perception close.