Conversational Mayhem

Let's say you are in a conversation with someone. It becomes obvious to you that you are either more comfortable in this given situation, or that you are more socially adept at conversing than they are. It seems as if you have control of the conversation, as weird as that sounds, stay with me. Since you are in 'control' of this conversation, does that make you any more or less responsible for this conversation? It does take two to have a conversation...

Sometimes when I find myself in the seat of 'control' I keep thinking to myself that whenever there is silence, it is my responsibility to direct the conversation in a different direction. However, if I find myself in the submissive/out of control seat, I feel that I don't really have much responsibility since I feel that I can't do anything about it. Now that I wrote it out, it seems to make a little more sense.

BUT, what I'm really getting at is, is this a healthy habit at all? On one hand, it would seem that if you are the one with the upper hand, you should take advantage of it to help everyone else out. One the other hand, I begin to think that everyone, whether they can converse well or not, is equally able, and the one controlling it should have no more responsibility than any of the others.

Bottom line, to help others by doing an equal share of the work, thus making them do their fair share, or to help others by utilizing your own abilities? Or one could possibly say, don't go out of your way help others at all, who knows.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I wish I had a baseball bat and a wall that I could just beat the hell out of. But when I think of doing that, it just makes me laugh. Does that make me crazy?

Sometimes your brain tries to complete things that aren't really there, and there is no evidence to back it up. Sometimes your brain is right...

Ahh, school work makes everything seem much more stressful. I feel like I'm falling into the abyss of overworking my brain again. My brain just wants to stop and rest. Fuck that, I know I have a bullwhip around here somewhere...

Try this Out

Made my eyes water.

People...

Is it possible that I am as blind to my own problems as I see others blind to theirs? Are these problems that I perceive them having really problems at all? Would I want another person to point out my flaws and/or short comings?

I'd like to think that I would. But thinking more deeply on the subject, I have my doubts as the whether I would want to know the information at all. I would probably just take it as an insult and just see it as their problem, not mine.

All this is brought to light because sometimes I see someone acting in SUCH ridiculous ways, I just want to sit them down and have an intelligent conversation with them about their actions. As in, "What the hell are you doing? Why are you doing ____ when all you really mean is ____?". I'm sure they wouldn't take too kindly to that type of conversation though. I believe that it takes a very strong and egoless person to be able to take criticism without becoming infuriated. But why? Why do we initially want to become angered when someone points out a flaw or an inconsistency in our logic? Why do we hold our ego so dear? God forbid we MIGHT be wrong right? What's the hurt in listening to another's take on the situation?

Mother fuck, some people.

Time for Another Cycle

Yep, school is about to start again. Who knows what opportunities this school year will bring, but anticipation is here nonetheless. I don't know why I map my life out in cycles, in all actuality, it makes no sense. It's just easier for me to picture and plan that way. There are no cycles though, there is only constant time. All these cycles are totally subjective, but they seem to "rule" my life (or that's how I perceive it anyway :shrug:). If there was no way of keeping time (months, years, hours, etc) I bet there would be less of these "cycles". Would it really make any difference if I didn't view things in cycles like this though? I sincerely doubt I would be any less stressed.

Ah, the flow is nonexistent at this time, I really don't even know what this post is about. It's rather pointless eh? (more pointless material below! Keep reading! :thumbsup:)

I'm turning 21 soon, so yet ANOTHER cycle, or rather, a new "era". OMG, I can drink alcohol... LEGALLY?! Wow, I'm so excited, I've never been so excited in my life... At least I'll probably get some money from my grandparents, that's a plus.

I just downloaded VH1's "The Drug Years". I caught the first episode out of 3 and it was pretty interesting. While there was a lot of interviews and material that I had already seen, it was still somewhat interesting. It's up on a torrent now, so check it out if you're interested.

Probably less posting (Wow, less? Is that possible?) for a short time because of school stresses. Beginning the new year is always a pain to get back into the swing of things. Once I get going though, there's no stopping this machine ;) .

It's Me,

Or something...

10x to the Rescue

Check it.

Ohhh, THAT Special K....

Apparently Special K is good now? I don't know a thing about ketamine, other than it's a pseudo-psychedelic. I believe it is an opiate? Either way, I'm obviously clueless.

Centering the "Soul"

Who knows if a soul REALLY exists. I definitely don't know for sure, but for the sake of this post, I'm going to assume that it does. No I'm not going to describe it, you already have a VAGUE idea as to what I'm talking about, so leave it at that. I don't need all the critical feedback relating to definitions.

Back to the topic at hand, I believe that meditation and psychedelics are GOOD for the mind and soul. If you know me at ALL, you know this what I believe. Now this GOOD that I'm speaking of is referring to being a productive and happy human being, obviously this is slightly different for every person, but everyone has a slight idea as to what good means to them. Meditation and psychedelic experience are two things which I feel "center" the soul. This is a constructive thing, IF the recipient is willing to take the responsibility that comes with it. I am not sure if people inherently want to be good or bad, but it gives them the ability to do what they want with their lives nonetheless.

Now I feel that this is generally a good thing because this allows people to take control of their lives. Much despair and lack of happiness comes from not "being in control" of one's life. If one is given the responsibility of being more "in control" with their life, they have the CAPABILITY of being more happy, and becoming what they want to be.

I believe that this "control" aspect has to do with the soul being aligned with the mind. The mind, the way I describe it, is more or less the automatic things that you do. You might not THINK they they're automatic, but I believe that this is just an illusion. This "centering" of the soul allows the soul to have metaphorical control of the mind. A higher order of thinking is established at this point. This thinking is present in "normal" situations, but is more prevalent when meditation or psychedelics are used.

Ultimate responsibility is then established. You realize that you are your own creator, and it is your duty to create your life. You begin to modify your "mind" in ways that benefit you. Eventually, if you stop taking psychedelics or stop meditating on a regular basis, your will begin to "sleepwalk" again. Your soul will go dormant as a bystander. Sure, it will peek its head every once in awhile to modify things slightly, but ultimately you won't be functioning to such a high degree. You begin to realize that you're becoming a pseudo-person again. You're still a physical entity, but you lose grasp of what you were trying to achieve mentally. You begin to fall into lazy thinking. Everything begins to run in the easiest routes. Your consciousness can barely be considered such from what it once was.

Fact or fiction? Fuck if I know. Comments needed, as always.

A Flaw in the Matrix

Did I just see gas jump 25 cents overnight? I'll just assume what I saw was just a price for a pack of cigarettes...

Officially Autopilot

I've been thinking lately that I'm not really getting any new pure thoughts or ideas lately. All of the stuff I think about seems to be just recycled thinking either from other people, or from past thoughts. Nothing new seems to be popping up. It's as though I've lost my mental capacity to create new thoughts. Maybe I never WAS able to create them, but I can say that I've felt like I have been able to in the past. I feel that this type of thinking that I like to indulge in has been deteriorating for that last eight or nine months. It could be that I'm out of my mentally growing phase and starting to get into my settling phase of my life. Either way, its exponentially falling right now. A nose dive.

This brings up another question though. Is this "I'm going to settle down" type of thinking, is this a mental choice? Is it possible to just NOT settle? Keep striving for truth to your fullest potential? I feel like I've been side-tracking myself for so long that I just forgot how to conceptualize to an extent. Sure I can still do it, just not as WELL.

As the topic says, it also feels like I'm on autopilot. This seems feeling seems to go pretty much hand in hand with the "creating thoughts" ability. Whenever I feel like I'm sleepwalking through life, I'm not able to create as many pure thoughts.

I wonder If I seem as different to other people as much as I feel different to myself? Maybe I'm becoming "normal". If I am, fuck that. This feeling is SO nostalgic.