Hitman: Blood Money

I just played this game for the first time. I haven't felt this cold-blooded/evil since... yesterday? Anyways, it's a badass game and I am pretty impressed thus far. Check it out if you got the time.

::evil face, then a huge grin::

Distract Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It

Because you're stuck inside of a human body. I've come to the conclusion a couple times that all we do is distract ourselves from reality. It seems that this is some type of defense mechanism for keeping us from dwelling on the fact that we're stuck inside of a physical body. It's like the human mind is in a permanent prison and is given the illusion that it is free (I'm not talking about America here, DON'T get any ideas!).

On the contrary, I've also had an experiences in which it seemed that the human mind was completely free, and the world was like a playground, but we just weren't aware of it most of the time because we're so busy doing what we need to do for daily life. This would be a pretty cool mindset to have, considering you would have must less limitation on what you felt that you were capable of doing at any point in time.

Either way, I feel that although these mindsets would be intriguing to have, neither would be beneficial to have as a sober state of consciousness in today's world. They would hinder your ability to work, go out in public, etc. I just found it weird that I have had seemingly contradicting thoughts on the matter. Both ideas have one thing in common though, and that is: we distract ourselves constantly, most of the time not being aware that we are doing it.

I've recently been thinking about this, and wondering how does this even affect me? Obviously to reach these different states of consciousness, you're going to need some "fuel". In today's society this is obviously frowned upon/illegal. When is it time to just pick up and walk away? It is ever time to pick up and walk away? Would I be giving in by taking the easy route and just living as a drone? Would it be more beneficial to be ignorant of these experiences? Personally, I feel that I would be a better person if I was given the freedom to explore my own consciousness, but obviously, with jobs/obligations, this is going to become increasingly harder as life moves on (not to mention gov. Intervention, but fuck that for now. I'll just stick to personal reasons at the moment). I feel that I would be able to understand myself, and others much better because of these sessions. Actually, it's not really that much about feeling, it's borderline "knowing" that I would be more understanding in all aspects.

But one must decide what they want out of life at some point: Do I want to be more understanding, or do I want to be more "successful" monetarily wise? Any constructive comments would be greatly appreciated on the topic at hand. Thanks.

Personal Vent

God damn, today fucking sucked. I found out that my Brahama is blown, easily worth $300. My amp might also be blown, who knows. Thats worth like $250+. Tomorrow I have to work in Marrion, an hour drive. Of course we don't get paid for driving, so im taking 2hrs out of my own time, just to get to and from work. Not really a big deal, but I really didn't want to get put on this job for that very reason. It's time to goto bed and I feel like I got nothing accomplished today. Sure, I worked a 9 hour day today so that I could get off early on Friday, but we're car pooling down there, so it looks like I'll be there for the full time. Granted, I didn't even want to have a 9 hour day, but Jim wanted me to work late yesterday and I turned him down, so he "implied" that I should come in early today :rolleyes: . I know this is just all bullshit you don't want to read, but after my sub blew, it kind of put me over the limit of bullshit I can take in this small time period. I need to vent.

As angry/frustrated as I am right now, I can accept it all and goto sleep fine. I am certian that when I wake up tomarrow, all of this won't seem like such a big deal. It also helps that Kendra is coming up tomarrow ;). She makes all of my problems seem like nothing somehow. It's fucking crazy I tell you. I might just be crazy. Who knows, but at this point, I don't really care. I'm going to sleep and you can stop reading this line of bullshit that is boring you out of your mind.

Looks like you got a case of..

The Humans!

My god, why can't we just live, instead of trying to create all of this bullshit? I guess it's just programmed into our heads, I mean we are just cancer anyway.

Also, here's one for the kids.

And finally, here's a good read for those of you who like to dig deep into the depths of their brains to find the white light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking Back

It always amuses me to look back at what I have written, but have at this time, completely forgotten about. Some time ago, I went back onto a car audio forum that I used to frequent. I looked at some of my posts that I made, and was actually pretty impressed with my knowledge at the time. Even reading them now, objectively as I can, they seems quite insightful/knowledgeable. At the time when I was writing them though, I probably thought I was a complete dumbass, with no insight at all into what I was writing about.

One thing I noticed is that I like to read forums frequently, but I VERY rarely post. Does this seem weird at all? The only reason I don't post is because I know there are more knowledgeable people on the board which could answer the question better than I ever could. It would be a rare occasion in which I felt I could answer the question fully and better than the majority of the members on the board. I mean, I used to visit a board frequent and have less than 100 posts after a year period. This is trying to make as many posts as I could too, within reason.

I also hate how people on message boards like to live out their alpha male fantasy online. Let's be serious, who the fuck are you trying to impress? This kind of filters over into the myspace/facebook realm. I won't get into that so much because I haven't "experienced" that before, and I don't care to. But back to the alpha male thing, I never got that. Do you really think you can make someone feel bad using words, on the internet, to someone you don't even know? Get a job, go to school, do SOMETHING. But please, for the love of god, stop trying to "pwn" people on forums, its just childish. Let the people who know what the hell they are talking about to the fucking talking and shut the hell up.

(hope you enjoyed the insight to rant transition)

Chasing Happiness

What do we strive for? When it comes down to the basics, I believe that we ultimately strive for joy and happiness. It is the driving force which motivates us to overcome hard times and difficult obstacles. It is the illusion that after we overcome these obstacles, we will be happier than we are now. Is this happiness any greater than it was before? Sure the situation is different, but that's just a technicality. The actual emotions that we feel are nothing new. We are chasing a chemical reaction which makes us feel better. Nothing is wrong with this at all, it just seems that generally people try too hard to achieve this happiness. Happiness is free, but the media wants to tell us otherwise. No one is going to dispute the claim that buying something that you really want (IE: a new car, new TV, new computer) is going to make you happy for a short time. But is it really worth all the effort? A couple weeks after having your new car, happiness is back to were it was. The only difference is that now you have a higher threshold for getting back to that same level of happiness. You're going to have to work longer/harder to achieve that same level of joy.

American society wants to make you think that the sure fire way to be happy is the buy new and exciting things. It's cool and all, but is it really worth all the trouble? You work for 300+ hours of YOUR life to buy a new gadget, just to have the happiness it gives you diminish after a short time?

Watching my dog today made me think about all of this. He has no money, no cool gadgets, and no cool sports car. As sad as it is to say, he at times seems to have a higher capacity for happiness than humans. All it takes is a nice sunny day and a few squirrels, and his life is transformed into complete bliss. Why can't I enjoy the simple things in life as much I would like? Why can't we just chase squirrels for fun?

Freeze Frame

I wish I could freeze frame my ideas and go back and check them out at a later time. I have this habit of writing down ideas that I want to explore in more detail, and then going back later to think about them in a different mindset. I recently wrote down something and I seriously have no clue what the hell it even means or is referring to. I wrote down "Turning on a choice?". I must have written it down in the past few days, and I still don't remember what it was referring to. Oh well, just another idea lost in the infinite sea of ideas.

It would also be nice to have some type of device that could output words that you are thinking in your head in realtime. It's really rare that I actually put on paper what I'm actually thinking. It takes so much energy out of me to make sure that I am conveying the same idea on paper that I am thinking in my head. I have to go back and proofread, edit, revise, etc. By the time I'm done writing, I've almost forgotten what my main points were. I guess mapping out ideas like they tell you to do in English class would actually help. But let's be serious, who wants to go though all this trouble of mapping out idea, just for a personal blog? Maybe I'm just scatterbrained.

It also sucks when I have an inspiration to write something, but I am no where near a computer to write on. Wouldn't it be great if you could just say "hmmm, that's an interesting thought! I'll just upload it into my page!". The segment would be a huge block of text and you'd just have to organize it. I doubt anything like this will ever happen though. A guy can wish though right?

EDIT: I now remember what that meant. It means, is turning on, (as in being more aware) a choice. Is it a mere happening, or does anyone with the motivation have the capability to do so. I haven't thought about it too much, but I need to. I'll get back to it sooner or later.

Does this mean I'm a terrorist?

Roll this shit up and smoke it. Pass that around to everyone you know, don't be a bogart. Big thanks to Eric for the linkage.

Comedy

Comedy, its everywhere if you look hard enough. I think comedy helps us in everyday life. If you can get a task done, good. If you can get a task done while making the mood around you happier, even better. Obviously, you can't do this all the time, but keeping your mood too serious all the time makes things seem quite redundant. Its not always what you say either. Most of the time, its how you say it/how you act.

In my experience, it takes a talented person to be able to 1) get things done, and 2) to keep others entertained with their presence. Usually its one or the other for most of the population. "Keeping others entertained? Why the fuck would I care about that?" I don't know maybe because that's all there really is? As an example, if a person was in a work environment working to get something done, wouldn't it be quite boring after awhile if no one did anything to create any type of excited feedback? "I need that pen. I'm going to take a break. The weather's nice." That type of conversation get all too old after awhile. If you are accomplishing what you want to accomplish, while also keeping the people around you entertained with the conversation, what's the hurt in that? Often people that are good "entertainers" are the ones who are also labeled as the slackers. Sadly, this is definitely the case in most situations.

The "work" in this work/comedy balance isn't limited to paying job type work. I am also referring to just living in general. Making food, doing a project, watching TV, and general conversing are all good examples. When I refer to work, I am talking about anything that you actually DO with other people around.

I am probably one of the worst candidates for this type of balancing act, but I am a work in progress. What are ya gonna do, ya know? ["What do you mean what am I going to do?" ;) ]

Human Validation

While working, during my long hours of introspection, I often think of really odd things. Many of these things are questions to which I have no answers. Why do I think of questions to which I can't find an answer? Is this what keeps my mind excited enough to start another day of exploring? Eh, that topic is for another day...

One question, which I was pondering today, was "Why do humans need validation from other humans to feel correct in their beliefs?". Do we not have enough belief in ourselves to be able to make rational decisions/actions? Do I not know myself better than other people? These are questions which keep getting linked to other questions, and the cycle never seems to stop. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it immensely ;) . But the question remains, why do I occupy my mindspace with these seemingly pointless (yet interesting) questions? Is it because I can't think of anything relevant to think about? Ok, now that you've had a look into my questioning type of mind, I'll stop with the damn question marks.

I guess I can only speak for myself when I say that humans need validation for their actions/beliefs. But I can still have an opinion on the matter. I believe that we have much more knowledge than we consciously believe we have, but in order to kind of keep ourselves in check, so to speak, we need validation to make sure we aren't going insane (in a figurative sense). That's why when someone is in a period of non-human contact for a significant amount of time, they seem insane or weird to the "regular" person who observes them.

Although these "hermit" types of behavior aren't normally accepted in society today, I feel that there might be some type of benefit to them when actually living by yourself (defense mechanisms, etc.). I believe that these behaviors are just a normal reaction that can happen to anyone who is put in the same situation of isolation. I'm sure this is well documented in the study of psychology, but the question is still there. Why do we feel like we need validation from other humans? They are just humans themselves, why would their opinion be better, or even matter? Are we subconsciously feeding off of their experiences/knowledge to make sure we're acting "right"? Or maybe it's just a big ego trip, and 99.9% of the population is guilty of it. If you don't live in isolation, then yes, I'm talking about you.

Protection

By: Kendra

Look at the detail on the hair, its ridiculous!! Good job Kendra, I love it! :)

Catch 22

Well "luckily" my job situation is semi-stable at the moment, I might have work for awhile at least. Why is it that the thing I hate doing the most (working), is the thing that I need the most? Why does it have to be this way? I mean sure, I could try to change my attitude about going to work and how I feel about what I'm doing, but I'd still have to go. I wonder if everyone feels this way? I know that when I graduate, I'll hopefully feel better about my job situation (if I have a job ;) ), but the idea that I have to go for 40+ hours every week is what really gets me. I mean, its my life, why am I spending all this time doing some bullshit work just so some other fuck can get rich?

I do this knowingly too, that's what kills me. But I mean when you look down into it, its obvious that the only reason that I work is because I WANT to work. Seems kinda fucked up eh? The circumstances surrounding my life make my situation in such a way that I want to work because I want to get better things, and I need certain things. I just think it's kinda sick how I hate working, but at the same time I really do want to work. I need to work...

Who Knows...

The question remains.
Are we able to act?
Is it a chain reaction?
Do we just react?

There are so many unknowns.
Why must I strive to know?
I know there is no Answer.
But why do I enjoy it so?

A dog chasing its tail,
Like a show that never ends.
My perception is constant,
Through a personal lens.

Who knows what others see,
And how they actually feel.
All I know is my own.
When the blinders begin to peel.

The outcome is so perfect,
But not always expected.
There is one undaunting truth,
Once infected, always infected.

Is it better to be aware?
Who knows, is what I say.
Is responsibility what you want?
It might hinder how you play.

I'm not special, or even knowledgable;
I don't ever claim to be.
I'm just like everyone else,
Just striving to be free.

The Funniest Thing

Have you ever had an insight into an idea that was so profound that you didn't think you could go on living knowing It? It's a good thing one forgets what It was. It was damn funny though, in a tragic kinda way.

To Sum it all Up...

Finals are done now, nothing left to do except wait for grades. Now I get to go home and work all summer long (hopefully), fun stuff. Sadly, that is the best of many scenarios. Probably the worst that will happen is that I won't have any work and have to get a job at some retail shop :( . Atleast I'll still be alive, just broke. God damn, why can't we just live without all this bullshit? I guess there is no way to live in the System without putting something into it.

I always kind of dread the start of summer because it is much of a slower pace than being in school. I get used to it after the first couple of weeks though. I noticed that after a long summer of working labor and not thinking about homework assignments, tests, grades, etc., my thought pattern is much more clear and much less superficial (don't know if that is the right word, but I'm going with it). Then when I have achieved a good equilibrium, I get thrown right back into school and the viscous cycle starts all over again.

Thinking about transitions, reminds me that I have to move sometime during the summer. I hate moving, it's such a pain in the ass. We're moving from a 4 person to a 3 person, and I know that one of my roommates is going to be leaving after next year, so I'll probably be moving again unless I find another roommate. Fucking Copperbeech won't transfer the security deposit either, so we're going to have to foot another 1k+ for our new place before they return the one for this year. I don't think Eric has even received his from last year, so I kinda doubt we will even get ours back any time soon. The whole "fuck baywater" graffiti outside our place is starting to make sense now.

To sum this up, I would just like to give a shoutout to the System, "FUCK YOU".

Jobs, Why so Difficult?

I just called up my (supposed) employer for the summer and he said that he might not have much work for me this summer. What the hell? He didn't even give me a yes or no answer as to whether he's going to give me work, he just kind of put his foot in the door so that when he runs out of places to put me, he can lay me off without feeling bad about it. If he can't give me work, he needs to let me know so that I CAN make money by getting a job elsewhere. I can't afford to not work for any length of time this summer, as I owe my parents money. I know they wouldn't care if I didn't pay them back till after I graduate, but I would personally like to pay them back before then.

This whole situation, as small as it may seem, just kind of brings to mind the whole idea of finding a job as a career. Why must it be so hard and stressful? These companies that are hiring graduates already know what we are capable of, why does it seem like we have to prove that we know so much more than we really do? We are just lying to ourselves and them. I mean, by the time a graduate, I doubt I'll be much more knowledgeable than I am right now. Ill know a little bit more about how stuff works and is interconnected, I might know a little more about programming (which I will probably have to learn all over again when I get a job), I'll still be a responsible person who is willing to learn. It seems like such a waste of time/money to goto college. Sure, we might learn a base of knowledge that we might not have learned elsewhere, but is it really worth the time/effort/money needed to get through school? The main thing is time, 4 years is quite a long time to just be "spinning your wheels" in the mud. I'm not accomplishing anything, I'm not making money, wtf am I doing? I'm wasting my time trying to get a piece of paper is the best explanation that I can muster up.

The saddest part about the whole thing is that I know what I am doing is a complete waste of energy/time/money, but I am doing it anyway. I am doing it because sadly this is the way the world works most of the time, the companies want to see if you are "learning capable". I guess it takes 4 years to make sure someone is willing to put in the effort to learn? I would much rather study on my own, for a job that I would know I would receive. I could learn SO much in 4 years, if I just knew what I was getting into after my learning stage. The thing with degrees is that they are so broad that you tend to learn a lot of things that you really aren't going to need to know depending on which career field you get into. If it was possible to know what job you were going to get BEFORE starting your education, it would help everyone out. I do realize that this is practically implausible, however.

The one plus side to this style of learning is that you get a base knowledge that allows you to pick where you want to go when you graduate. This all depends on the job market though. If the market sucks, you're going wherever, and you're going to like it. You're going to like it because the alternative is working at Wal-Mart, and working at a shitty job that pays mediocre is much better than working at a shitty job that expects you to be on welfare to support yourself. So when you goto work next time, just be glad you don't work at Wal-Mart.

What the Fuck?

Hopefully this will be my best semester yet here at Purdue. It is the first semester in which I might be able to achieve all A's. The thing is, when I think of a 4.0 semester, I think of long hours studying for finals, tons of homework throughout the semester, and tons of stress. This semester has been anything but that. I think I might be in a handicapped major. Did I miss the sign saying "people with learning disabilities only!" when I signed up? I mean I know its supposed to be easier than Engineering, but come on. I'll admit that halfway through the semester I started realizing that I could get a 4.0 so I started trying a little bit harder. I didn't take extra time to do anything extra really though. I just made sure that I did what the class required. I barley studied, just before certain tests, for maybe an hour or so. I feel almost bad that I'm leading my parents to believe that I'm doing well in school, when the problem might really be that I'm underachieving.

Generally, I like to do the best I can out of any situation. When you're in a certain major though, there comes a point of diminishing losses. I can only try so hard in the major I'm in now. There is only so much material to understand, not to mention most of it is quite simplistic and downright ridiculous that we are spending so much time on it. As an example, in my analog class, we have spent so much time on MOSFETs and BJTs, but we really haven't done much with it. Sure we learned how to make an amplifier (at the end, for 4 WEEKS), and switches, etc., but have we really learned how to THINK about this stuff? All we do is learn information about the parts and how they react to electricity, we don't do many projects that aren't hand fed. It's a false sense of knowing. I would kind of like to stay in analog, but the way its looking, there won't be much thinking involved. Digital courses on the other hand let you do the systems thinking since there isn't as much hardware to think about. I really like being able to solve the problems myself. The projects in the course are quite a bit more challenging also (EG: NOT hand fed AS much, lol). I mean you can still get help from the prof if needed, but that is probably quite common in many courses/degrees.

My main point is that I hope that taking more digital courses will be more challenging. Although having consistent high grades is seemingly nice for awhile, I would like to be disconnected from this false sense of accomplishment. It really doesn't help that the professors keep feeding me all this bullshit that "oh, we're just as needed as 'real' engineers", shit like that. It really just pisses me off. I know we aren't doing as hard of work as EE's etc, but I really do like what I'm doing. I just wish the work was more challenging/thought provoking. Be careful what you wish for, eh?