Illusion

I bet cows feel free in their pasture.

The Evil Eye

While at work today, I was talking to one of my co-workers. I was asking him about one of this yearly trips down to Tennessee and what he actually did down there. He said he did white water rafting with some type of group. So naturally I asked what type of group he went down with, thinking it was a family thing or something. He reached for his wallet and gave me this card.

The card had something to do with "The greatest experiences in your life" along with a quote from the Bible. "Ok, that's cool.", I thought, different strokes for different folks eh? So I proceeded to hand the card back to him and he said I should keep it. I've talked to this guy before, and he knows I'm not in any way a Christian, or have any plans to be one mind you. I insisted that I really would have no use for it since I wouldn't investigate further into this "camp". He seemed kind of mad that I didn't want to keep it.

Why does it always have to be like that? Why can't people just accept that you don't believe the same things that they do? I don't try to push my agnostic beliefs on anyone. I state my opinion, if asked, nothing more. I don't want people to take my beliefs as their own; I have full confidence that they will take the information given to them and make the best choice possible depending on how they feel.

It just irks me how religion can make people so egotistical. I'm almost certain that my co-worker took it personally that I didn't take his card. I would have taken his card, but I would have never done anything with it. I probably would have just thrown it away on my way home. I have more respect for people than to just put on a facade like I'm interested in something that I'm not. He didn't take it too hard, but you could tell by the look in his eye, he was thinking "NO, I think you SHOULD take it.... (then) Why won't this guy just take the damn card?!".

At least this experience was thought provoking, more than I can say most other situations...

The Death of an Ego

I killed my ego. There was no "I", there was only energy. This was the most mystical experience of my life, and yet, I can't even pinpoint exactly when it happened. I believe this point to be where I started the long process of reconstructing how I wanted to perceive things.

Looking back, I believe that I was in a semi-sleepwalking state before this experience. I was on the path to find answers, but still had a skewed reality. This came as a surprise to me when it actually happened, as I did not believe such experiences existed. It caught me totally by surprise, there was no way for me to be prepared for what was inevitably bound to happen. I was one minute, and the next minute, I wasn't. There was still perception, but it wasn't "me" who was doing the perceiving.

My ego was dead. There was much fear before, but as this experience unfolded, fear was not even an option. The weird thing about an ego is that when it feels like it is losing control, it gets very frightened. A wise person once told me that when the fear kicks in, you better start paying attention, because something important is at hand. Such was the case. I was totally engulfed in my egocentric games. I was blind to it at the time, but I was blessed with an experience which allowed me to see clearly what a slave I was to my pride filled ego.

It would seem to be a terrible thing to be a slave to one's ego, but if given the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and rebuild the ego to your own standards, it doesn't seem like such a travesty. Luckily, I was given this chance. It is only now, years later, that I seem to have grasped what this experience meant to me. I am glad that I had taken the time after the experience to rebuild what was demolished. I am grateful that now my master of my cognitive thought is much more productive and positive. The ego seems to be more on my side than ever.

This process has taken 2 or so years so far, and I am just starting to realize what has taken place. It has taken much studying, both introspective and informational. I don't want to go back into the ignorant prison to which I was previously contained in. I like being responsible (or at least feeling that way ;) ). I like taking the hit for my own mistakes. I try to take the good with the bad, both with just as much enthusiasm.

The question remains, would I be the same person today if it had not been for that experience? Did it really affect me as much as I thought it has? Unfortunately, these are questions to which there will never be an answer. But does it really matter? Am I not happy at the way I turned out? I am ecstatic at how my life has unfolded since that moment, so I see no point in futily trying to find the answer.

Who knows what might have been.
This was the path that I chose.
Finding this, only one way possible:
When the doors of perception close.

Playing Victim

This is one of those things that I experience almost everyday. There is bitching everyday, no matter where you go, but I hate it when it turns into bitching about being a victim in one way or another. Almost all of conflict that comes a person is in some way aimed toward them due to their own actions.

Luckily this works both ways. We are able to maneuver/dodge these conflicts just as easily. Sure, there are certain circumstances in which you wouldn't think it to be of your doing, but ultimately you could have avoided them.

Let's say you're always bitching about how it rains too much. Sure, the weather is not under your control, but who is making you live here? If it bothers you that much pack your shit up and move to another area. If it doesn't bother you enough to do that, we all could do without the bitching. Talking about something that you have no intention of changing is just a waste of both of our time.

I'm one that is prone to bitch at times, but I am trying to catch myself whenever possible. I wish more people would do the same.

You're not a victim, unless you count yourself as the perpetrator.

One on One

I can't play one on one games without wanting to kill someone or tear down a wall. I dunno what the problem is, but I know one thing is for sure: I'm not cut out for competition. For me, the winning is never as sweet as the losing is shitty.

Ryan Giggs

Goosebumps. Who is this guy? Talk about some badass footwork/speed.

Friends, Girls, Guys?

I don't think its possible for a guy to be one on one friends with a girl without being attracted to her. I just don't think its emotionally/humanly possible for this feat to happen. I have heard that it IS possible for a girl to feel like "just" friends with a guy though. What is the difference in thinking? One theory is that the girl emotionally dumps onto the guy which is also known as the "intellectual bitch". A guy like this gets no respect from me, as he has no respect for himself. What are your opinions on this matter of one-on-one friendships between the sexes?

Also, another fiasco that baffles me is how can a straight male be in a group of friends with a bunch of girls? This is assuming that he is not romantically interested in any of the girls within the group. What is he getting out of the situation? Why does he enjoy it, or does he? Possibly he was just rejected from guy groups so that is the last resort? Maybe he doesn't want to lower his standards and join the guy group that he "should" belong to? I am TOTALLY clueless about this. I know for one that I would be close to incapable of having a platonic relationship with any female without wanting something more from the friendship. I definitely wouldn't be friends with a group of girls, be fucking serious. This has made my brain fry for some time thinking about this.

Divide by zero... Error.

Stroke of... Genius?

I really need to start carrying a piece of paper around with me or something (I never will). I normally think of quite a few topics during the day to explore later when I get home, but I can never remember what they were when I get home. I was thinking one time that laptops are perfect for blogging since you could take it to the park or somewhere nice to relax, and if you happened to have an idea, you could just type it out really quick. Usually my blogs flow the best when I have to get my emotion out on paper, so it just kinda flows out of me instead of being all technical about it.

Sometimes I wish I was a better writer because there are quite a few times when I can't find the right type of wording to express my thoughts on paper as well as I would like. I guess language isn't perfect in any sense of the word, so even if I had better writing skills, it might still seem frustrating.

As for the title, "Stroke of... Genius?", I really have no clue why I wrote that. I just felt like getting the god complex for a minute of two. ::points finger:: "Don't judge!"

Medicine for the Soul

Also known as music. How is it possible for random sounds in melodies to be soothing to one's soul when feeling down and out? After all, its just random sounds which sound good to the human ear. One might initially assume that it's just the lyrics that soothe, bringing up good and constructive memories which help heighten the mood. Sure, this might be a big part of it, but what about music without lyrics?

I know first hand that music without lyrics can work just as well as music with lyrics in calming the spirit down. There's the tempo, rhythm, and melody which can be attributed for, but this doesn't really explain anything. I'm at a loss for how this whole music soothing thing actually works :-/ . One thing is for sure, it does (I speak only for myself).

Feeling

Why is it an initial reaction to feel ashamed at strong feelings? Usually these feelings are pointers, allowing us to delve into our subconsicous and find out what the real meaning behind the top emotion is. For example, if you were to find out your neighbor just got a brand new car and you immediately start feeling jealous of his car. This would seem to many to be just another jealosy issue. It is, but in order to fix this problem of jealosy, one must first find out what the lower layers of emotion are.

Many would stop at the first layer, and call it a day. I mean, it's embarassing enough that your neighbor got a better car, why make it worse by thinking about it? It might actually help one to skip this same routine when another situation like this one arises. Do the work now, have it pay off later type of thing. In my opinion, when one feels jealosy, it is most likely an insecurity issue. Jealosy is just an emotion created to protect the ego. Once you become less subservient to your ego, you are able to explore emotions more and "disarm" them at a lower or base level feeling. To me, it seems that the lower you go to explore where an emotion stems from, it creates a much better result of finding out what the real issue is and solving it.

The bottom line is that I feel that I need to be less of a slave to my ego than I am currently. The ego, while fun at times, seems to me to be more of a flaw than anything else.

No Work...

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
-Oscar Wilde

Layed off for at least a day tomorrow, and all of a sudden work sounds so great. It's great how everything is so relative, and most of the time, in a not so enjoyable way.

Time

Time never seems to go the speed that you wish it would. When you're having a good time, time goes by so fast. When you're bored/aggravated, time slows to a crawl. Why can't it be the other way around? That would make more sense anyway. I don't really know why time changes speed relative to your mood, but it annoys me to no end.

I have noticed that when I am at work or doing something that I don't really want to do, if I look at the clock earlier in the day, the day seems to drag on more slowly. I don't know if this is just a superstition or what, but it seems to hold true for me. It could also be that whenever I am having a bad day, I look at the clock earlier since I think that more time has gone by than I had initially thought. I should start rating my days depending on when I look at the clock first. After 9AM = decent day, between 8AM and 9AM = crappy, and before 8AM = hell. Lately, I haven't been looking at the clock till about 9AM or thereabouts.

Fucking driving down to Marion tomorrow on my own time/gas. I calculated that it costs me $15 to drive there and back on any given day, not even counting the 2hrs it takes in which I could be working making around $15 take home. So I'm wasting like $20-$30/day of my money just to do some bullshit labor work.

On a lighter note, I didn't have to work today since I came in Saturday. I messed around with my stereo and discovered that my sub ISN'T blown. Apparently I just so happened to pick up a dead 9V battery to test my coils. Still have to send in my eD amp though, that'll be a pain. Also, I'm probably going to be getting on a Denon 6 channel receiver and a pair of JBL reference speakers for $250. I can't pass that up ::huge grin:: .

Forgive Them

"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do."
-The Bible

I believe in most all conflict situations, this holds true. It should be obvious that one cannot fully experience someone else's view on a certian sitation. I believe that if one were able to fully understand another's view, maybe acts which are considered hateful/distructive would not be carried out. Maybe I'm just an optimist?

Even if I am totally off base here, there is one strong plus side to this belief. It makes forgiving people/situations come almost naturally. I mean you come to a point sometimes where you have to choose not necessarily the most true view, but the most efficient/logical view. I really would like to take the truest view, but in order to do so, much time is needed to actually investigate and put some proof behind it. Maybe I'm just lazy...